Monday, September 3, 2012

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Sunday, September 2, 2012

1. My father's death is my life. | Bad Mormon

My father?s death is my life.? It is my reference point for what bad is.? It is a memory that streatchs behind me, always there, always leaving a quiet inner seed of panic, ?When will this end too??

To write about a father?s death is to tease out the pieces of a relationship, if you can remember it.? My mom says he doted on me as a baby, that I was just the cutest baby, and my father adored me.

I can?t remember it.

I feel I wanted more from him as a child, more heart to hearts, more affection.? I recall work and bishopric duties and a closed bedroom door where he watched HBO propped up in the coveted queen size bed.? I remember dinners, him at the head, offering discipline for poor table manners, in his den tying flies on little silver pedistals and with butterfly threads.

I?m a Bishop?s daughter, born, blessed and baptised into the Mormon religion, my memories starting at 3, the day we moved to Cody, Wy.? A western life of trout fishing, cow hustling, walking hills and going to rodeos.? Running wild and free in the summers and then bundled, wobbling snowmen, to trek to school in the freezing sparkling mornings, home for lunch in the afternoon.

I can?t say I wasn?t miserable.? I was.? I think I was born miserable, or maybe it?s sensitive. ?Whiney. My feelings were hurt a LOT. ?My siblings picked and mocked, as siblings do. ?I read a LOT.? I loved books.? The stories and how I just was IN them and they weren?t this life. Escape! from knowing things weren?t fair and feeling somehow it was all against me. ?A father dying doesn?t help this issue.

Before he was gone I would lay in bed crying many nights, or up til 2am reading.? Or crying then reading.? I felt I was horribly unliked and misunderstood at 8 years of age.? There was also the months before my baptism when I read the book of mormon and prayed to know if the church was true and how tortured I was not to have a breast that burned with a testimony of the church of jesus christ of later day saints.

There may have been a first grade cheating with the deaf girl fiasco that ruined my good social standing as well. ?These things can be devastating. All I know is by second grade no one would talk to me anymore, couldn?t be my friend, I should know why! ?I tried to pick on the bottom of the totem pole, the odd duck that everyone picked on and immediately my old friends, the ?popular? girls whirled on me, accusing me of being a horrible meanie to pick on such a one?

And I drifted, and read, and still had friends when I look back, and felt the world would be happier without me, and cried and I imagined great tragedy falling on our family, my death, running away, SOMETHING for sympathy, true kindred understanding and sheepish acceptance back into the main fold.

And then my father died.

During the next 30 years of life it has been an ever present fact, fiction, memory, portion, thing, there, nudge it, see where this string leads oh right back to that day.? A miserable grief that an eleven year old holds onto and stuffs down and pretends isn?t there, never connecting it to a life that felt like it was lived in a tunnel. ?A wedge of eleven, the part of me that remembers it all, hiding out behind my heart, thumping against the rib cage sometimes.

I know there is suppose to be healing and? ?closure? but how do you let that piece of you go? ?Why would you want to close that up? Oh hell, who thinks you can?? I?ve done my inner child rituals and therapies, visualizations and cried, oh i have cried, always thinking this round will be the one to get it all out but She/me is always there, sad, frightened, resigned and beaten because I ? Lost ? My ? Dad.

I still have all the stages of grief, denial, depression, rage?the rage of loss rearers it head often, still, some years more than others.

The older I get the stronger it can be, as I see the screwed up choices that trace straight to the loss.? The Rage at what I could have done with my life by now if I hadn?t been so lost and maudlin, so detached and over invovlved. So fucked and numb just dreaming of some one who could see it all. Some one to fill the hole, fix the eleven year old, explain that life can be a happy ending. Maybe.

The betrayal, the being cheated.? No real knowledge of my father as a person, being so young and so stunned by events. ?Frantic greedy grasping at the few people who knew him to give me a memory or two, all of it thin and watered down by time. ?I think it?s reasonable for this to make me ANGRY.

I will never stop missing him.

The smell of old spice and scratchy jackets and m&ms by the bedside for a handful before teeth brushing at bedtime as we hugged and kissed him goodnight.

What else do you want to know? ?My internal emotional temperature isn?t enough?

Of course not, how boring just to read for pages about how sad I am.

He died an interesting death. ?I feel like I?ve described it a hundred million times. I sound rote and bored as I speak about it to others.

He was water skiing, on the skiis, at a lake, a remote shore, a mormon weekend, labor day actually, the final summer hurrah, families with boats and waterskies and my father, he wasn?t bishop that year, he had given it up, was going to be a youth leader, I was turning 11. ?He would be spending time with us. ?(I forget about that. ?That was the year we were gonna get him back, from his duties in the church, from a pretty deep depression, from issues with Mom.?? I forget we were getting him back.)

Out on a speed boat, tired of waterskiing our group headed back to shore and the engines died and us kids were climbing out into the water as a man rush/splashed up, Brother Nelson, owner of the boat, possibly Bishop Nelson at that point, I think I remember now he had just taken over for my dad, or had a year ago or, something, yelling ?in or out, in or out!?

I was off the boat standing in warm lake water, my little sister was on the edge frozen between getting out and getting back in, my Mom had already jumped out of the boat at the hushed air on the beach, just knowing something was wrong and was probably halfway to finding my Father laid out on another boat, where she took over the CPR on him leaving a bruise on his forehead. ?It didn?t work.

So my sister stayed on the boat my mother and I had just departed, and it sped back to the mainland to call an ambulance ? my mother was in the boat that held my fathers body performing cpr and heading back to the mainland- ?I was 10, going on 11, my birthday only a ?month away, up to my thighs in warm early Sept lake water and everything was silent.? The water was lapping the sides of boats and a girl I knew hung over the edge of another boat, a Nelson i didn?t like much, but I hollared anyway, to test the silence. ?Shandeee!?

?Shhh, don?t you know someone died?? in her snottiest little girl voice. ?And I stood bewildered with dread. ?I still hate her.

I went to shore, got hugged, found my brother, someone at some point said something was wrong with my father. ?My older sister was there too. I tried to cling to my brother, he didn?t like it, shook me off, sent me under decks. It had gotten cold and I shivered in a wet swimsuit and towel, my flipflops lost. ?I prayed and I prayed but it felt futile and finalized. ?I knew somehow that he was gone and my faith, whatever there was or wasn?t of it, wouldn?t bring him back.

A small child said ?I bet he died? and I whirled and said no or we don?t know or something. ?I used to know exactly but the words have faded, even with reliving them at regular intervals, making sure that day DID live on, that last piece of something of him even though the actual memories start clearly at his absence.? His sudden, graceful exit.? He floated down on the skies.? I forgot to tell you that, he was in the water actually skiing, and just let go and sailed on down to rest like good water skiers do.? 5 mins is what I remember being told.? He was in the water for about 5 min between letting go and people realizing something was wrong and being pulled onto the boat to be given CPR.

I think everyone agrees it is an amazing way to go.? Drifting down, sun in your face, beautiful day out with friends and family, and hopefully whatever momentary awareness took place between life stopping system failiure and his going it invovled a beautiful feeling of peace and love and that everyone is going to be safe and happy and there is a better place.

Unfortunately that is not the feeling that gets left behind. ?And learning to survive life began on a whole different level.

?

?

Source: http://www.badmormon.com/2012/09/02/1-my-fathers-death-is-my-life/

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Bernanke lifts Wall St, keeps stimulus in play

NEW YORK (Reuters) - U.S. stocks rose on Friday after Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, expressing "grave concern" for the stagnating U.S. job market, said the central bank was prepared to take further steps to strengthen the economy if necessary.

Though Bernanke, speaking in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, dashed some hopes for a signal of quick action, his comments bolstered bets that the central bank was closer to providing more stimulus for an economy that is close to stalling.

Stocks had been flat for much of the week ahead of Bernanke's speech, though expectations of additional stimulus from the Fed helped the market this month. All three indexes posted gains for August.

"I think the debate is how strong growth is and how aggressive the Fed is going to be," said Giri Cherukuri, head trader at OakBrook Investments LLC, in Lisle, Illinois.

"Hopefully the economy will just get better on its own, but I think the Fed is saying they're going to be there and is trying to tell the market that they have some power to help things along."

Energy and materials shares were among the best performers, with the S&P energy index up 0.9 percent and the S&P materials index up 1.1 percent.

The Fed's next policy meeting is in mid-September, and many analysts are looking to it for a decision on a third round of quantitative easing.

The Dow Jones industrial average was up 90.13 points, or 0.69 percent, at 13,090.84. The Standard & Poor's 500 Index was up 7.10 points, or 0.51 percent, at 1,406.58. The Nasdaq Composite Index was up 18.25 points, or 0.60 percent, at 3,066.96.

Even with the advance, each of the major indexes posted a second straight weekly decline. The Dow was down 0.5 percent for the week, while the S&P 500 was down 0.3 percent and the Nasdaq was down 0.1 percent.

For the month, the Dow rose 0.6 percent, the S&P 500 gained 2 percent and the Nasdaq climbed 4.3 percent, its best monthly performance since February.

Volume was light but above the low levels of earlier in week. The four other days this week were among the five lowest for volume all year.

The day's volume traded on the New York Stock Exchange, the Nasdaq and the Amex, was about 5.3 billion shares. The year-to-date average is about 6.6 billion.

Investors are looking ahead to the European Central Bank meeting on Thursday that is expected to take pressure off highly indebted countries. Comments from ECB Executive Board member Benoit Coeure rekindled expectations for central bank action.

Among the day's best performing stocks, SAIC Inc was up 3.4 percent at $12.21 after the computer contractor reported a drop in second-quarter profit and said it would split its business into two independent public companies.

On the data front, consumer sentiment climbed more than expected to a three-month high, while the Institute for Supply Management-Chicago's index of Midwest business activity fell in August to 53.0 from 53.7 in July.

Advancers outpaced decliners on the NYSE by about 5 to 2 and on the Nasdaq by about 5 to 3.

Source: http://news.yahoo.com/bernanke-lifts-wall-st-keeps-stimulus-play-082857415--finance.html

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Orange bowling with Mitt Romney (Los Angeles Times)

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Obama order targets industrial efficiency, emissions (reuters)

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Saturday, September 1, 2012

Romney and Ryan rally in Florida after Republican convention

LAKELAND, Fla. ? Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan parted ways after a final sendoff rally Friday morning ? abandoning plans to spend the day campaigning together so that Romney could join Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal for a tour of an area damaged by Hurricane Isaac.

Ryan broached the subject during the rally outside a Lakeland airplane hangar, pausing for a moment of prayer for the hurricane victims as well as those affected by the magnitude 7.6 earthquake off the eastern coast of the Philippines.

?Let?s put the people of the Philippines in our prayers at this moment because we?re worried about a tsunami,? the GOP vice presidential candidate said. ?We?ve seen people in our own country in the path of the storm in Louisiana, so let?s just put our prayers where they need to be for the people of the Philippines and the people who are in the path of Isaac?s wake.?

Romney is expected to talk about the impact of Hurricane Isaac later Friday during an interview with "NBC Nightly News" anchor Brian Williams, who is anchoring a special broadcast from Louisiana?s Plaquemines Parish.? Isaac has weakened to a tropical depression, but it is expected to bring rain ? and the possibility of flash flooding ? to Arkansas and Missouri.?

Hundreds of thousands of Gulf residents are out of power and there are four deaths in the U.S. attributed to the storm.

The White House announced that President Obama would fly to Louisiana on Monday to view the damage, a late addition to his schedule that was announced a few hours after the Romney campaign revealed its plans.

Though the rivals were clearly jockeying to show who would be more responsive and more presidential in moments of crisis, both are also trying to avoid the sort of criticism that President George W. Bush faced in 2005 when he viewed areas damaged by Hurricane Katrina during a fly-over on Air Force One. Romney is visiting Lafitte, a hard-hit area, at Jindal?s invitation.

During their morning remarks, Romney and Ryan did not dwell on the storm ? instead returning to their critique of Obama?s economic record: ?Measure us.? Hold us accountable.? Do the same with the president,? Romney told the crowd. ?You?re making a choice as to who the servant will be of the nation.?

The Republican presidential nominee asked voters in the crowd to ?do the work on November 6th that gets me elected the next president of the United States.?

?That has to happen here in Florida,? Romney said. ?For that to happen, you?re going to have to go out and find a person or two who voted for Barack Obama. I know they?re here. They?re not as visible as they used to be. You can see some of the glue on the back of their bumper sticker where it used to be, and so you can find them. But you find them and convince them to get on our team and to help us because we want to be held accountable for the promises we made last night and the night before.?

In a lighter moment, Romney complimented the convention speech of his wife Ann, who spoke briefly at the beginning of Friday?s rally.

?One of the speeches I?ll never forget, and that was by my lady in red back there,? he said gesturing to his wife as the crowd cheered. ?I mentioned in my remarks last night that one of the things I wished I could do would be to wake up with a pile of kids on my floor in the morning and go to bed at night with our kids coming in and talking to us about their problems ? five little boys doing that ? and I get back to my hotel room [last night] and my daughter-in-law Jen said, ?We can arrange that, you know.??

ALSO:

Romney says he'll do what Obama couldn't

GOP convention ends on a high note (with a few twists)

Republican convention scored points for Romney, but missed chances ?

maeve.reston@latimes.com

Twitter: @maevereston

Source: http://www.latimes.com/news/politics/la-pn-romney-ryan-rally-florida-20120831,0,864744.story?track=rss

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Working Through The Complexities Of Buying Real Estate | Synergy ...

One tip to keep in mind when it comes to real estate is to check out if there are any registered sex offenders in the area your are looking to buy. Not only might this possibly put your family in danger, but it may lead to difficulty when trying to sell your house in the future. This is public information and easily searchable online.

When hunting for a home, never buy a house just because of its decor. The home may look nicely decorated, but that is not a reason to purchase it. Instead, put your attention to the home?s square footage and floor plan. Make sure it is big enough for your family.

Make ?you love it? the number one reason for your purchase of a new home. Ultimately, your home needs to be a comfortable and a safe place to live. Most homes appreciate in value over time around the rate of 5.4 percent. If you take care of your home and make improvements, an increased appraisal value is likely to follow, so don?t factor appreciation too much into your decision. If you love a home, make an offer!

To find a well-maintained property, try looking for a home in the fall. You will be able to see issues that may not have show up during other times of the year. For example, pay close attention to the gutters; if they are full of leaves, it indicates that the seller hasn?t been caring for them properly. This may lead you to question what else on the residence hasn?t been maintained.

Make a short list of five to ten things that are important to you in a house, and don?t sweat the small stuff. Unless you are building it yourself, it is impossible to find the perfect house with every feature you want. Also, keep your eyes and mind open for improvements you can make after you buy the house.

If you are looking at buying a home, it is important that you visit your bank and get a pre-approved loan. Many real estate agents will refuse to meet with a buyer if they do not have a slip from the bank. This shows these agents that you are serious about investing in their property.

Consider paying for the buyer?s post-move expenses. For example, you could hire a lawn service to cut the grass for a few months or hire someone to take care of the pool through the summer. Providing these services won?t be extremely expensive, and it could make the difference if someone is deciding between your property and another one.

When looking for financing, don?t be afraid to shop around. Different lenders may offer you different interest rates, or have other perks for specific buyers. Local credit unions especially may be able to offer you better rates than a national bank, if you already live or work in the area.

Real estate is still the best investment you can make. If you take out a loan to buy your home, you are earning interest in appreciation on someone else?s money. Even after you pay the mortgage and insurance, the government subsidizes that by taking it out of your income as a deduction.

Never be a victim of overpriced or shoddy property. The tips you just read in the article above will help you avoid falling into the same trap that has snagged so many of the nation?s homebuyers. If you can use this information, you can come out ahead on any real estate deal.

For branson mo real estate be certain to take your time when making your decision and retain an agent you can trust.

Source: http://www.synergygamehouse.com/working-through-the-complexities-of-buying-real-estate/

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